Here is just a little advice I’d like to pass along to the mothers of toddlers or those of babies who will soon be toddlers. This list is a culmination of advice given to me, advice read, or advice from, well, me. Please be sure to follow every single one of my suggestions, because these suggestions are the only correct ones. No, I’m serious. If you don’t follow these guidelines you’re a horrible parent. Really.

• They should be potty trained before the age of 2. If they aren’t, you are not disciplining them enough and they will be intellectually stunted the remainder of their life.
• They should not be potty trained before the age of 3. It will psychologically damage them for life and they will have constant urinary tract infections for the rest of their life if potty trained before this point (yes, I really read this…).
• Don’t use pull-ups.
• Use pull-ups.
• Let them go naked even when they’re not ready to be potty trained and let them ruin your carpet and stain every surface in your house.
• Don’t use a potty chair, then they won’t go in a public place.
• Only use a potty chair, a normal toilet will scare them.
• Don’t potty train until they are out of a crib and into a normal bed.
• If you are potty training, don’t let them wear a pull-up or diaper at night.
• If you are using a potty seat, only keep it in the bathroom.
• If you are using a potty seat, move it to a central location in the house.
• Give them rewards when they use the potty, but don’t reward with food because they will reward themselves with food the rest of their lives and it will be your fault if they become binge eaters.
• Don’t give them rewards when they use the potty, they will expect them every time and will regress if not rewarded.
• Scold them when they know they should have used the potty, but didn’t.
• Don’t scold them, it will frighten them enough to not want to use the potty at all.
• Sit them on the potty every 30 minutes (wait… are we potty training or parent training?).
• Don’t let them watch TV while trying to use the potty. They shouldn’t be watching TV anyway. At least until they’re 20.
• Praise them and make a big deal out of going in the potty when they actually go.
• Don’t make a big deal out of going in the potty, they want to feel like everyone else.
• Don’t tell them big kids use the potty-it will make them feel inferior if they aren’t ready yet.
• Don’t use bribes or incentives.

Now that you have obtained a wealth of knowledge, go forth and potty train, parents! It will be a cinch!